Monday, June 6, 2011

One Million Questions

1,000,000 is quite possibly the number of questions I ignore answer each day. It is the worst part of motherhood for me. I know that asking questions is how kids learn, there are no stupid questions, blah blah blah, yeah whatever. But to me, there is a big difference between "good" questions and "useless, I just want to hear my own voice and drive you crazy" questions. Unfortunately around here, quantity is more important than quality. On most days I've reached my limit of ridiculous questions by noon....that leaves approximately ten hours for me to hold myself back from jumping off a bridge. It's not easy.

Here's what I'm talking about....

Ben (sitting in living room yelling)- "MOOOMMMM, what time is it???"
Me- Ignoring Ben
Ben "MOOOOMMMM, what time is it???" (voice getting closer)
Ben-"MOOOMMMM, what time is it???" (closer still)
Me-2....1 I love my kids, I love my kids, I love my kids.....
Asking the time doesn't seem like a crazy question, however...I was in the shower and he literally had to walk by FIVE clocks in order to get to my bathroom to ask me the time. My kids can not solve their own problems and it makes me crazy.

Another fun example........
One day we were headed to Red Lobster for a birthday lunch...I was asked 27 questions in 22 minutes. I know this because I was trying to read a magazine and made tally marks for each question. They went something like this... (I added my answers that I kept to myself in red )
"Mom, what time is it in China?" (who the hell cares?)
"Mom, what is your favorite color?" ( will always be green..just like the last nine times you've asked favorite color is green!!!)
"Mom, where is your mother?" (I'm sure she's sitting at her kitchen table watching HGTV and thanking God that I didn't call to ask her to babysit today)
"Mom, is Aunt Kathy older or younger than you?" (wth, isn't it obvious? She's much older!!)
"Mom, let's say I scored the game winning goal in a World Cup game..what would you do?" (probably shit my pants)
"Mom, if you won $100,000 would you buy me new shoes?" (no way in hell...that would just mean more shoes for me to clean up around the house when you throw them wherever you want)
"Mom, let's just say I was black....." (Come on, are you for real? This is all you could think of to say???')
"Mom, how much longer til we're there?" (much too long)
*Everyone has their breaking point and I reached mine just as Brady asked this final question...*
"Mom, what would happen to us if there was a tsunami right now right here?"
Me (slightly screaming)-"Brady, if there is a tsunami right now, right here, on highway 64 in mid-friggin'-America, WE'RE SCREWED!!! Do you hear me? Scuh-rewd. Bigtime. I suggest you put those swim skills to use and roll with the tide!!! I'll see you on the flip side!!!"
Great answer, right? Yeah he's six and I'm pretty sure I solidified his fear of storms forever, but seriously, I could take no more. And they always start their questions with "Mom", which makes me hate hearing it, even though it should be the greatest feeling to hear your own children call you "Mom". Or whatever, something like that. Anyway, you get where I'm going with kids constant badgering of questions and my husbands amazing ability to completely tune them out is making me insane.

Here is my latest solution on how to deal with this...I hope it lasts

Me-"Whoa, Whoa, wait a second. From now on, everytime you ask me a question that is completely pointless or something you can find the answer to yourself, you owe me a dollar. And if you ask me a question that has already been asked and answered in the last hour, you owe me two dollars. I will keep tabs on the balance and then your dad and I will subtract that from what we usually spend on you at Christmas. So, let me make myself the answer to this next question worth being all you get for Christmas??"
Ben-Daaannnngggiiiitttt (in the most drawn-out sad voice ever)
Me- fist pump "VICTORY IS MINE" (for now)


Brianne said...

LMAO!! I love it!!! The pointless questions drive me crazy too! And of course they ONLY want to ask me when I'm either in the car driving (no wonder why women get in more accidents) or on the phone. The joys of motherhood! See you on the flip side. :)

Jennifer Maxfield said...

This made my day!